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Sunday, November 20, 2016

You have been loved - Part 2



I don’t know why but I just leave, without saying a word to her, I don’t even look back. Going down the hill and continue to walk the beach line, I walk like a drunk and tired crab, after a while I notice that the bandage has scrambled and I am bleeding again.

I sit on some huge rocks and just listen to the angry waves, the sea is restless tonight, I reach for my pocket and get the cigarettes out and roll one.

Then I see the cute little puppy approaching me while wagging his tale and barking as if he wants to know if I am alright. I smile at him, and saying with calm voice: don’t worry buddy, I am going to be alright.

The puppy reminds me of my beloved dog, he was not the smartest dog in the world but definitely the kindest one. I could ask him to fetch a newspaper and he could come back with a shoes, remote control, my phone, somebody else’s phone, anything else except the newspaper, but I loved dearly him anyway.

My only friend, remembered his last days, he was 8 years old and had developed this heart condition. Even though veterinary told me that an operation would not safe him, I insist to go for it. I was a poor dish washer at that time of my life, I sold my TV, stereo and my computer so I could pay the deductible part. The 15 percent of the operation costs that insurance required that have to be paid by me.

It was a rainy day that I lost my wonderful dog, my best friend, I got heavily drunk and walked and walked until I could not walk any more. Then I sat at the bench on the bridge, the bridge over the river, and that river could be a solution to all my sadness, all my loneliness.

Sleepless night, thinking, remembering, tossing and turning in the bed, feel the walls getting closer, grasping for air. I had anxiety about reliving the high school again.

Well I was not smart, not good looking, not athletic, not rich, not anything really, just a weird loner, an outcast. The girls didn’t notice me at all, and I accept the harsh reality that I was invisible to them.

I barely eat at school cafeteria, and the few times in month I was there, I just get an apple or milk and disappeared quietly.

I spend the most of my time at school library, it was my second home, a safe place where I could forget the about my problems, a shelter for my restless soul.

Thinking about going back to that time just haunted me, I knew this time thing are more complicated and more intense. To see and desire, to have feelings and emotions that will never be answered. To walk a lonely path again.

In the morning I almost hit the floor when I was getting dressed, I managed to brush my teeth somehow and walked into the classroom.

Of course I was late, disoriented and didn’t have any paper or pen with me. I choose the most unfriendly face and sit beside him so we don’t need to talk. During the break I bought a coffee and got back to my room, mixed it with whisky, roll a cigarette, brush my teeth once more, chewing gum, get back and of course being late again.

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